Insights on Love

Judith’s Insight on Love
Rough Draft Written in 2015 - Edited and printed in 2023

If I was asked, “What has given you the most joy in life?” My answer would be love.

And if I was asked, “What has given you the most sorrow in life?” My answer, again, would be love. The aching heart of lovers.

Of course, I am talking about the kind of love that’s supposed to make sense from blissful beginning to the golden ending, but it never has made sense to me.

It shouldn’t start in a mindless emotional whirlwind that dead ends in a puddle of pain. And surely love shouldn’t have so many beginnings and endings if it’s ‘true love’ … or, even love at all. It shouldn’t have to be such a struggle, so much anguish and sacrifice for something as tenderly precious as love. It just shouldn’t begin in a state of heaven and end up in a dungeon of hell, but that is how love lit up, burned through, and eventually dimmed to nothingness throughout my life – how love sparkled like fireworks then flamed to ashes with the sway of the wind. Nothing lasts forever, they say, and I’ve probably come to believe that more now than ever.

No one can deny that I’ve had more than my share of love spells. Most have seen me as high as a deep blue sky only to wither behind a thick mass of dense fog. They’ve seen me anchored down for the long haul, and flee in a desperate escape. What they had never seen, however, is me alone and content until I finally said, “I’m done!”

At fifty-two years old, indeed I was done.

With four legal marriages, and two perhaps that could have been Common Law marriages, and, well, too many short and long-term relationships in between, who in their right mind wouldn’t be done? But no one believed me, at first, when I said I was done. I know they were all just waiting for the next broken heart to come along, hoping someday the real deal will miraculously appear.

For the first couple of years, I brushed off the comments and encouragements and the push to get back in the dating game. In time they finally gave up. They finally realized that I was better off alone. They came to see my inner peace and contentment – and honestly, that’s all they ever wanted for me.

I certainly hadn’t found that peace and contentment being with anyone else, though the repetitive words echoed by so many over the year’s is something I regarded sacred: The Vows of Marriage. Those words were ingrained deep inside my heart and soul since childhood. In every relationship those nagging words, “make it work” … “fix it” … “give more” … “surrender more” … “sacrifice more” … “never give up,” lead to the final, unacceptable words, “die more”. When I got to “die more,” I ultimately was faced with a decision to stay alive or spiritually wither. It’s a horrible feeling when you begin to wither away inside and you sink into a dark hole.

So, I was faced with that decision over and over and over again – live or die. I suppose when I decided to be alone, it was my last resort to keep living, and I finally found my haven of sorts. Being alone has given me the time and space to be who I am and not who someone wants me to be. I had lost myself so many times that it was a true freedom to be alone. And I have found my peace and contentment that has been more self-fulfilling than any relationship had ever provided.

Frankly, I can’t imagine ever having to surrender to a lifelong meaningless existence, no matter what vows were made in ignorance. And I certainly could never reason enough “What God had joined together,” to remain in spiritual death, when God had nothing to do with it. Surely if He had, I knew He wouldn’t have chained me to a life of hell … or anyone, actually.

They were my choices, my decision, my consequences. I struggled hardest with those words, “What God had joined together;” in my first marriage. I really had to come to terms with the lessons I learned in that relationship. Though my spirit was shattered and lost after my first marriage, I remained hopeful that someday I would find that union and truly honour those words – even unto the very last marriage, I had treasured that hope. To this day that union has not come, but the day I said “I’m done,” was the day I let go and gave God total rein in my love life, and to this day that love life has not come, and that’s okay. Life has been busy and full and feels on course.

I must pause here a moment and say that through it all it was my Faith that carried me through. A Faith unlike most think or embrace, but a Faith I cannot put into words for words are only words … I have always had a ‘trustful knowing’.

Well, it was challenging for me for a while but after a while everyone who seemed to care so much about my happiness came to see that my statement, “I’m done,” was a positive choice – now they’re all happy and content with my life. It’s been since 2005, so everyone has long given up on watching my soap opera life play out like a never ending drama of twists and turns and up’s and down’s. No one has an opinion or a judgment or advice or disappoint to muddle in about my love life any longer because there is none. They’re not even sad that I’m alone, after all that. I think they’re at peace now because they see I am at peace now.

Isn’t that just the grandest! Kinda feels like I climbed to the highest mountain through the steepest, coldest, roughest, darkest path across rivers and oceans and hot coals. It’s one of those “I Made It” posters … and I know if I can make it so can others!

A million times I asked “Why, why me?” A million times I have wept for understandable reasoning, some meaningful purpose my life took because it couldn’t have all been in vain. That thought alone - a life in vain - was always my saddest ending, so I fought evermore with honour and courage and determination to know the meaning and purpose. It would be a long time before that knowing came … it would take much more pain and triumph before the blessings ceased the pursuing curse.

Cursed or not it’s a miracle I made it to where I am. Many times it felt like a curse was upon me and many times I’ve pleaded that the power of God would release me, and many times it surely did. Sometimes we bring things upon our self but other times things just happen out of your control. The things I brought upon myself I usually had to resolve myself. But every time something came to test me, challenge me, deceive me or destroy me, the power of God Almighty saved me … and my life is a true testimony of this.

I’ve seen others go through far less than I have experienced and they did not survive quite so well. Drinking, drugs or sex became their escape. They either became victims, slaves, users or abusers. I’ve seen kind and giving hearts, sadly turn cold and harden with negativity and distrust. Revenge often succeeded. I’ve seen the souls of others die off as years passed by for the sake of ... whatever their reasons to remain in bondage. Many times relationships are just companionship. Most have never felt the level of passion and pain I have known - Just as I cannot know life without it. I have not ever needed companionship. The short periods of time I spent alone in between relationships was mostly healing time - Lots of healing time in the pages of my history book.

No one knows the tremendous experiences I’ve gone through, the compromises I have made, the painful sacrifices endured, the endless this and that, up’s and down’s and all around, but one thing they did know; I would make it through.

Many times my faith was weakened and beaten, nearly to the snapping point. I know what it feels like to have your dreams shattered to bits, and I know how frightening it is to be hostage to intimation and force. These things hopelessly consume within your whole being and they can eat you up or you can reap strength. I reaped my strength by seeking there purpose. Finding how they fit into the puzzle was my only solitude. Often it took years to figure out such things … and secretly I still hold pieces waiting to be placed. The wonderful side of aging is the span of time it brings to behold the bigger picture, if one is inclined to do so … some, like myself, must. My life was and is just too strange and crazy to be normal, and I’m sure anyone who knows me would say my life has not been what is commonly known and referred to as ‘normal.’ Finding purpose is my way of finding peace with everything.

It’s the way I made sense of the things that happened. Somehow the knowing of purpose gave me the power over pain and disappointment, rather than them having power over me. The power these things instilled within have manifested in various ways. My faith is not blind for it has revealed itself, not only to myself, but to others who give witness to the unbelievable, the miraculous and the mysteriousness that always revolved in my life. And it is these life challenges that shaped who I am.

I can’t remember how many times I begged God to take me … to spare me such agony. And it was faith that comforted me and lifted my spirit to be stronger and wiser. My faith - no matter what – has always been my stronghold. I refused to be a victim. I refused to allow myself destruction. I refused to surrender my soul to a loveless life. I chose to be a survivor … to retain my kind heart … to remain a spiritual being because whatever it was that tried so cunningly to mess me up, to corrupt me, and bury me in darkness was not going to win – and did not win!

My insights through love is one of a lesson, and another of freedom ... the ultimate self awareness. Live for you, not for others because others can fade away.

And all I wanted when I was a little girl was to be a ballerina.